Birthday vows

Birthdays have been always special for me. I remember how I used to wait for my birthday to happen. To get hold of all those gifts, flowers, wishes and attention – birthday makes you a star for that day. Your wish is others command.

Then, I grew. And, it become complicated. Everything was perfectly alright until last year when suddenly, that happiness just flew out of me. Last year, I walked into my college; waiting my friends and professor’s wishes but I was numb. I received calls, many calls – but it was just like a regular day.

That time, I did not ponder upon it. I thought maybe, by being excited for last few days, the excitement is down on the special day. I waited for this year, when I hoped things to be better and as usual. I pictured myself going crazy as birthday was nearing. Still, it just did not happen. And, I was scared. I was shocked on losing a part of me, a lively, kiddish part that just went and I was not aware of it.

What was it that stopped my heart from celebrating? Was it sad because I no longer hold my mom close to me? Was it because I was heartbroken? Was it because I was over thinking? Then, it drew on me, I am twenty – three; old enough to get married and to behave like mature people and have mature conversations.

That is it, my heart told me. I was scared, as I was old, which meant I have to behave like one. What if I do not like being old? There was no option. Our society strictly orders girls of 20 plus to be mature enough to start a family of their own. And, here I sat, running up and down like kid, zooming in and out, dancing on unknown tunes and doing whatever I liked – when it was stopped.

It is age of my marriage. Soon, search parties for perfect groom will be called and in another one-two years I will be woman instead of girl.

Halt! I am not even asked here. I choose to stay single for a longer period. I want to still skip, run and hop. I still want to celebrate many birthdays like a child. I want wishes, gifts and attention. I want to be free; free to choose my career, my life, my husband and my identity. Will it not be okay if I delay things and get to know myself before committing to someone else?

I sit here and write as I wonder about the rush and chaos created. I think about the rules set forth. If I do not break or oppose or modify them, who will? If today, I do not stand strong on what I want, how will I make my children the same thing? If I am not enjoying all various things, just because I am girl, how will I allow mine?

Clueless, about what to do, I hope and sear for answers – unbiased ones, free from all societal pressure.

-Nikita Dudani