The Imperfect Perfect ‘Me’
Since childhood, I had dreamt to a writer. I didn’t know what it will require or what skills I should develop before starting my writing journey.
I only knew that I love writing as it is a channel of emotions. Little did I knew that I would be judged on basis of my grammar, context, content, spellings, and thousands other things that come along it.
I wasn’t perfect – I knew it since beginning. But, everyone wanted me to be perfect. As I started to write, instead of focusing on the feel of what I had written, I was pointed out my mistakes. They said I have lots of potential but need to work on my grammar. They made sat with me and pointed my flaws; so I can be perfect.
But hey, they didn’t ask me if I was looking for perfection. Of course, I brushed up my skills because in that moment, I was writing under some other banner and not for mine or for myself. I also tried to reach at par from what was expected from me – but did I succeed? NO!
I always felt as I am trying to reach for a shooting star, which disappears as I am about to seize it. I honestly tried to fit into different molds, try different things, and work on myself. But, nothing proved beneficial. There were subtle changes in the way I wrote but nothing more than that.
In this process, I realized that I gave up on myself. I gave on the idea that I can be a writer and I gave up on writing blogs. I didn’t realize that the hurt was deeply engrained in me until I started writing this piece. This is the moment where I getting in touch with my inner wall that I have build to stop me from writing.
Whenever I see other’s writing; especially in today’s time where everyone is an aspiring blogger; I feel sad. I feel deeply discouraged because I was one of the fewer bloggers who made their name in blogging industry; solely for presenting my feelings in a raw form. With it, I was one of the few initial bloggers who took blogging seriously before it become big. Yes, there were grammatical hunches but people applauded me for what I wrote and how I wrote.
In process of sharpening my skills; I forgot how to bring forth my feelings in a write-up. I lost my passion for writing. I have zillion of pieces pending but whenever I think of them, I dread them. I fear that someone from somewhere will call me out for my write-ups. And, I cannot bear that thing happening to me again!
Even though, the people who pointed this to me are really close people and I know they meant no harm but I cannot stop feeling hurt. I know that all they wanted was perfection because they wanted to ensure an error-free article on their platform. I understand that they were not wrong in their place but something in me – destroyed forever. When I saw all my articles undergoing editing, I was still okay with that process. But, when I saw that there were questions around everything I write, even if it is writing something that I connect with or is personal; the pre-set notions such as “get grammar checked once”, “send it to XYZ person so it is error-free”, or “please show us what you have written” made me feel like I didn’t even know basic of English language. It pained hard!
Today, something flickered inside as I was watching ‘Mental hood’: a series on an app. I got in touch with my old soul who just wants to express things without fearing the grammar Nazis. And, here I am writing about this article – The Imperfect Perfect ‘Me.’
Because, I promised myself today that I will write for myself and chuck whatever the world has to say. It has anyway never been kind. People will always have their opinions but I shouldn’t tuck under my bed. If they like it, they will read. If they don’t – they will not!
Finally, I found freedom to express again without any structure or worrying about “who’s going to edit it?” Nah, from today, I will write however and in whichever way, I want to.
As I always used to say,
Signing off,
Nikita
Comments
Post a Comment